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if yOo want my autobiography just ask mEe <3 [entries|friends|calendar]
trying to fit a square into a circle was no life

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February 7th, 2006
this wknd was a weekend. my week was oh so bad and consisted of gettin suspended, havin meetings with the rents @ the school & almost getting expelled.
so that completely called for major drinking. friday i thought would be chill..i guess the two hour cab ride was chill but besides that it was pretty action eventful. BITCHASSMOTHAFUCKERWHORESHITHEAD should die. yhea im a bitch, so what?
so me after that happened me and kristen applied more beach lipgloss that anyone does in the middle of winter lOl..& i guess it attracted to 22 yr old thats been on her joock ever since..cute..she gave him the number tho so its kinda funny. &&its soo sad that like everything gets blurry and its not cause im drunk..im burning with anger but i dont wanna go fite the bitch, not yet.. and i dont wanna fite with you. i just wanna let out a few tears and wind up back in your arms and have you kiss me..i guess i got what i wanted but thats pathetic. i shouldnt fReeze upp like that. i tried to act cold, but i cant say no. not to that. i can never say no..@least i heard that at the next bar the bird just wanteed to get out& drive him home..& there were calls<3

then the next nite was the loft party..i rlee wanted someone to come so they cancled their dinner reservations &came all the way in.. i felt bad tho bcz IT SUCKEDD..like rlee overratedd=[ whichh suckeddd bcz the they left</3 but i had a rlee good wknd with my bff cause it was rlee just us and we seriously have rediculous fun and thats hott. so the superbowl sucked, everything about it. ummmM..you didnt comee=\,, letsss seee what else SCHOOL SUCKS i hate it more than life.. the days go sooo long and it feels like another wknd will never comee..i rleE hope one does thO lol im rlee tired but im sure theres more i need to say.
cause perfect didnt feel so perfect 0

February 4th, 2006
anOther nite has gone byy..another night where i need to drink before anything haappens bcz pregaming puts the smile on my face. i want to go to that bar to besocial anbd meet pple bbut our paths alwaysvseem to collidee. i know u wanna ve sungle, so i let you go for it..but itt breakkss my fucking heart..is shee prettier tyhan mee? whutta let down..but no matter what i end up in your arns<3 nd thats where i wanna stay..confusion is nothing new...so im used to it. im fallin asleep but i just pray ull get home ok cause ur my baby<33 no mattewr what<3
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January 11th, 2006
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the senior ski trip was alot of fun<3 me kris meg and erika were roomies;).. and i skiied for the first time. im getting sooo sick of skool tho... 5 more kOCHIS classes.,..UGHH I HATE HERand that class.

i really want fake ids so that its not an issue anymore.. some people went to get them today.. sucksss that im babysitting.

we did our wedding projects..mine SUCKEDDD..its soo sad.. i cant get into it, or into prom or any of that gushy stuff because well idk.

i need to loose this cold, my voice is gone.. wasnt taking new yrs away enough?!!

everythings completly gone like all the strong feelings. its just become what it is, to me thats truley sad, cause at least with all the burning feelings there's life to the situation..to mee thats like fighting for something...now everythings nothing. but its whatever.

well my life is really boring, so there isn't anything really to say.

*i hope everyones happpyyy<33
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December 20th, 2005
ihOpeitsnOtiwiShitsnOtipRAYitsnOtitbEtternOtitCantiwontLetITBETHELASTTIME..but there's always that chance.


i have no cell phone.. xmas is so soon.. i hate ms kochis.. i didnt go to gymnastics tonight because im an asshole. fit is over, im gunna miss it, miss my saturday mornings with megg and seein my cousin toOo.
xmas vacays is almost here. YESS.
ohh and dont forget about hannukah.
I HAVE NO CELL PHONE</3 yOU'RE hOtt..its like a bLurred dREam<3 _________________________________________________________________________ But noone heard her cRy- we were just in time. lemme take a lil more off your mind there's something in my head--somewhere in the back said we were jUST a good thing We were Such a good thing mAke it gO awAy without a word, but promise me you'll stay ...Oh make it go away! I drive faster, boy I drive faster, boy
4 comments|cause perfect didnt feel so perfect 4

December 5th, 2005
Its been sooOO long...
well i can't deal with college stuff and it really gets to me.
i got a job, thats really good because i needed one, but im so freakin busy. i really need time and time with people, quality time, not to sound wierd.. my schedule just goes by and i feel like i have no time to do anything. everyone whoever is everyone should shop where i work bcz the world needs makeup..<33
i miss the feeling of being drunk..not in a alchie way or anything but seriously i need a drink to just let out and chill out all at the same time. i think that at 17 we all should be drunk on the wknds bein stupid and making memoriess cause we'll never be 17 again.
i dont know why it doesnt get me down..honestly i should be worse, i think ive just become numb. i have so much christmas stuff to do, ohhh boy.
i want this christmas to be good &sweeet but i have a really BAD feeling about it=\
i really wanna start goen to bars, it seems like alot of fun.. i wonder how the hell i can get me a faKe id..hMmmmmm
i went upstate on friday &i wish i got to see my cousins more often...& my aunt especiallyyy
all my friends are going on retreat for three days. im gunna be soo sad. MY MOUSE IS MINE and thats alllllll i gotta say. loL

cause perfect didnt feel so perfect 0

November 25th, 2005
you'd never know how bad it hurts.
cause perfect didnt feel so perfect 0

November 18th, 2005
you see you're the only one i want.  i try to explain this to myself to rationalize everything else.  it doesnt matter to me what goes on cause "cause the months- they dont matter..its the days i cant take". . each day can come to me as it is and ill just take it and accept it.  when you're involved again though, i cant do that with the same ease.  instead i accept the fact that im selfish.   I neverbut werent we always told to reach for the stars? &really there's no other way to put it, bcz thats exactly what it comes down to, whenever its possible, im reaching for you, cause you're my star.  I want it and it's selfish for me to want but the truth is, i want you all to myself but that's who I am.  I'm selfish because when i hear your voice it's all i want.  It just depresses me that I cant be where it isEveryday I watch life go by.  I see the people who are in love, some kind of love, they have something to say about it, some way of reaching it, something new to think of it.  i don't, I have memories to rely on and to feed off of.  But I despratley want a new memory, something fresh to react to.  At night it makes me cry, i try so hard not to even think about it, but i do and i get that burn in my eyes from unwanted tears.  Its like being sick, my heart and my brain just start to race with all this anger and all these bad feelings.. i just close my eyes and wish with every bone in my body for you.  I want to come and find you no matter what it takes.  But there's always something stopping me, its like a fear and I just have no idea how to overcome it& no security that I will.  so when it all comes down to it.. its whatevss- i probably won't have you today but,  like i said. . .there is nothing more than i want in my life than you.
i think that so many people take advantage of and take forgranted so much of what and who they have.  some people like to show it off.  sometimes its not worth showing off cause its worthless.  some people have no idea when theyve gone to far, sometimes its over.   some people dunno when they're hurting someone, sometimes its the people that care the most.  but sometimes pple cant get that you dont care about them. people can be clueless. i can be too.  but some people are just absolutely rediculous. 
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just tOOk a quiz [Wednesday
November 16th, 2005
Which Laguna Beach Character Are You?
You're LC!
There's a fine line between lovesick and stalker and you're walking it, girlie! No matter what you do, you just can't seem to shake that one guy who's got every corner of your heart. You give so much of yourself just trying to snag a minute of his attention that you tend to lose sight of what's important to you. Take a breather from obsessing over him, read a chapter of He's Just Not That Into You, and hit the beach with a bunch of your friends. Your closest pals are always the best medicine for heartache!
if anyone wants to take it: http://www.ym.com/jsp//quiz/aug2605.jsp?page=4 lol<33
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im gunna be depresseddd for a while after this one</3 [Monday
November 14th, 2005
[ mood | confused ]

so i know everyone loves this show, but i can honestly say its my life. Last episode of Laguna Beach and i honestly canttt. i CANT, like we always say LAGUNA MOMENT.. and say it could so be our lives, but honestly in like 7 months, thats us. and i cant. Im soo scared of colleges. im so scared because for most people knowing what you want to do makes everything 10x easier, but for me it makes it 10x scarier. my goal is set. i know where i want to be. what if i dont get accepted to the places that will give me that chance. i want so badly to be successful and to take the steps to get from A to B.. i want to reach my goals and to know that i mite not get into a college freaks the shit out of me.
i dont want to say goodbye. i dont even have the stregnth to write about it, but just think of all the people, the people you see everyday, the people youve known since forever, the people who mean so much to you, and then saying goodbye. i cant even deal with saying goodbye to rick at the end of the summer. how the hell can i do it with everyone. kristen i cant even get into you, my stomach just fucking knots up.
how can i live a complete life without the people that complete me? it baffles me because i dont fucking know.
i want to drive 100mph &get to you. i have 7 months left seven fucking months before i have no idea where ill be. and i have no idea where youll be, who knows you might be even farther away. i need you one more time.

every decision has changed my life. every decision has brought me to knew places. sometimes i wonder about these decisions, why the hell did i pick st. saviour high school? and believe me i could think on that one for a longggg time and maybe still not get an answer, but there are people that ive met there, and im so thankful for them. and as much as it sickens me, that schools like a home, honestly when you walk in there, i feel like my room should be through one of the doors. every decision has brought me to people. some people have became important, made an impact some have had a positive impact, others a negative one. so many have taught me things i would never have otherwise known. people have made me who i am today. there are people i know i can always rely on, people to lean on, people to party with. people to trust, people not to. people to love, people to fall in love with. people have came, people have gone, and some have came again. "but there's always that group you come back to"


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tiredddddd bitch [Tuesday
November 8th, 2005
[ mood | >:o </33333 ]

just got home a little while ago from gymnastics &i had cheerleading today whoa babie!! im so frustrated cause i wanna get everything in gymnastics and when i dont its so URGGG agravatingggg i suck at life tho wutt can isay.

the fact that some college apps are in is freakin scary im a kid okay??</3

i cant believe i went &fucked up things again like seriouslyy sOO STUPiD..IM SO STUPIDDDDDD ughhh</3 ive really done myself in good this time.

I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

cause perfect didnt feel so perfect 0

i put my make up on a satuRDAY niTEE [Saturday
November 5th, 2005
[ mood | curious ]

i seriously cannot wait to start fucking drinking tonite<33

im at kristens house rite now, i just straightened my hair and now she's straightening hers.. we were listening to songs that reminded us of boys<3 but now im just being mad emo lmfao. we have all the bestbest drinks to drink tonite so holler<333

i think people can be really selfish sometimes. but i think i can be too.. i think you need to realize that you are and when you realize it, do something about it. at least thats why i think, cause no matter what selfishness affects others, and you need to decide which is more important, you or the consequence.

ughhh i hope this nite is seriously amazing cause i want it to be one more to add to the amazing senior year lol.. knock on wood. but yhea i really hope this nite makes a definition. thatd be really gOOd if it did yepyep

college shit scares me SO much.

last nite kristen backed up into a BMW 7 series.. loL it happens, she did the rite thing tho and the guy let her go - phewf<3 we drove around and we were in the park for a liddle..i even got to whip it ;) hahhhh

kristens cousin gave me hypnotiq and told me i should of called him for a drive by lmaooo that woulda been greattt

anyways i really am just writing pointless stuff but wutever its mY jOURNAL<33

to think i mite not see those eyes-makes it sO hard not to cry</3

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my heart beats faster<33333 [Monday
October 31st, 2005
[ mood | indescribable ]

hmmm so im babysitingg so i figured id update juss a liddle bit<33

SUMMERLOVINSENIORS wuttuppppp.. im so fucking happy we won.."what do u guys win?" "ummm....nothing" everyone asks that yet its such a huge fucking deal.. saviour is soo gey but wut can i say i was crying wen i sed no stockingggssss..ripped at the seemsss but OHH those saviour dayAYyysss ohh gOODbyE saviour HIGHHHHH.. yepps tears rollinnnn im a goon. but yes we won i was so fucking excited.. we are a sick class<3 s-e-n-i-o-r-s class of OHSIX is the best<3333

after the contest we got changed into our bunny costumes omfg so hott & ms hart.."i love it-i was a bunny one year and i put balloons in my bra"..oh jean.. yeahh so everyone at that party luved the bunnies.. and all the saviour girls we there.. and we drank swedish fish& smurfs.. yess we didnt even tap that keg cause we enjoy the finer things in live huh mouse?? yepps so it was hott & we went home and walked behind this 36 yr old wasteddd tripping omgosh hilariouss..and oh yhea we met squirelss&jason taps..they loved goose/mouse..

the next morning i had to be upp so early for FIT and megg drove..yepps shess got skills & not just numbchuck skills lmao.. so we went on a field tripp to all the hot stores & then walked thru one of those fairs..and my cuzins a freak who pulls megs grey hairs..hahaa &when i got home erika and i went to the scurryyy haunted walk hah & then we rolleddddd in the benz ILove erikaaaa<3 lettin me drive...were sickkk ..but our gas skills lack lmao then i helped her out at her cousins party it was fun they were cuteeee<33
got back from that &chilled a liddle while after with someoneee

&last night<3

cause perfect didnt feel so perfect 0

October 25th, 2005
i fucking hate live journal
1 comment|cause perfect didnt feel so perfect 1

October 24th, 2005
when will shit ever start to go my way honestly i cant fucking do ANYTHINGGGG RITE EVERRRRRRR im so fucking siuck of it i dont care anymore i cant i cant im too weak for this entire life i swear im so retarded at everything. i cant find anything thats for me and it kill me how much pple really dont care. i put myself on the line and i cant understand why my life turns out like this. why do i give into stupid things and run away from important things. i cant take the fitess i cant they all fucking fuck with my head. why dont they care.. am i such a bad person that pple dont fucking wanna caree.. where did i go wrong..when did i do something too make these pple decide i wasnt worth their while. everythinggg important, everything i want, i trust, i love leAVESSSS my life. honestly i cant have these pple drop out of my life. hes the only one i want i want him why cant anyone fucking get that thru there fucking skulls I FUCKING WANT HIM LIKE NO OTHER SO FCUKING WHYYYYY whyyyyy i wannnttt himmmm &did i rlee do sooo fuckingg badly as a child thjat she fuckling hates me i dont get it i rlee dont she hates me so muchh...seriously i need love in my life.. i need someone to run to .. not someone to run from me i need a sign that everythings gunna be alrite i cant keep feeling like thiss all i feel is cold ugly fat deathly feelings all day i cant stand looking in a fucking mirror anymore this shits so badd it hurts soo much idk whut to do idk how to change my life from the upsidedown state its inn i dont know how to express myself idk how to show it or change it or do anything about it except for everytime im alone just cry and cry and cryyy
2 comments|cause perfect didnt feel so perfect 2

October 24th, 2005
get me out of hereeeeee i fucking hate thiss placeeee i fucking hate you. and you.....................UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i caNt stand it i cant i cant
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nothingsss ever promised, tomorrow - todAyyy [Sunday
October 23rd, 2005
i don't know what to do with myself, i don't know what to do with myself, i don't know what to do with myself.
cause perfect didnt feel so perfect 0

October 16th, 2005
[ mood | sad ]

this wknd has been a disaster.

So much for pretending
Bad luck's never-ending

It's never ending

Sometimes it hurts
But when you read the writing on the wall
Can't cry anymore

And too much time I've been spending
With my heart in my hands
Waiting for time to come and mend it

I can't cry anymore

cause perfect didnt feel so perfect 0

October 15th, 2005
mouse your soooo cute*=]
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ineedtofuckingstopsoobadd [Saturday
October 15th, 2005
[ mood | cantbREAKiTCZiTSBROKE ]

tAking up my time againnn
the one thing i can't stand
the cOFFEE & the conversation never ends when
all i really need to fiND
is 1one short clever line,
to pinpoint my disgust it's always just too much or not enough
sO i'll keep it simple for obvioussss reasons
and I'll say what i should and just hOpe you believe me,
but it never gets easier,
No it never gets easier,
No, no, no.
sing it to mySelf again,
I can't hear a worddd you say
the syllables, the sounds just aren't sentances and
All I really want to do
is tear straight_into_YOU
explode, unload a hail of insults until you finally get it
I'm sick to death.
A strong distaste for confrontation,
leaves nO room for self expression
sucha stranger in ME so docile
though dont you know it all takes its toll?
but I'll keep it simple for obviOUs reasons..
and ill say what i shOuld&just hope yoU believe mE
but it never gets easiers, aw it never gets easier
yheaa it never gets easier_IS TEAR STRAIGHT INTO YOU</3
cause perfect didnt feel so perfect 0

October 15th, 2005
[ mood | i<3umtlifsymfao ]

it is taking EVERY ounce of ANYTHING & EVERYTHING in me to say NO right now.

cause perfect didnt feel so perfect 0

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